Sunday, September 21, 2008
I can't help but feel jealous towards anyone that Vince talks about. Especially when it comes to AC. I know it's so far away but I don't think I can go for the simple fact that it brings too many bad memories. I wouldn't be able to be around Vince and his friends, especially Bjorn. I have no issues with him or anything, it just feels like he's the cause of what tore Vince and I apart, even though I know it wasn't him. When I see him saying the same things to Vince that I said to Vince when we were talking on the internet it just tears me apart. He tells me of how good the sex is and how big he is and how am I supposed to feel about that? He's incredibly good looking. He's hung like a horse. He's wealthy. He'll, he's able to get a tan. I am nothing next to someone like that. I couldn't be around him. I couldn't be around Vince. Either I'd do something to make someone extremely mad, or Vince would say or do something making me incredibly depressed. I want him to be happy, and I want whoever he's with to be happy. I wish it could be me so badly, but I guess it was made clear that it will never happen. I hate feeling like this. I wish I could go and just have fun, but I wouldn't be able to. God why did everything have to turn out like this. Why couldn't I have met Vince when we were like 25. I've done so much for him. I feel like if I just leave all of that will be for nothing. I want to help him deal with what has happened to him. I want him to be able to maintain a stable relationship with anybody. Whoever he's with I know they're going to be hurt. Vince falls for people easily, and gets bored even easier. I know that first hand. My mom is talking about me moving back to MI if I can't make ends meet here. I don't know what would happen if that happens. I don't know where Vince would go or if he could even handle himself. We both still have a lot of growing up to do before we're stable enough to be on our owns. I don't know what I would do knowing that he's so far away and unable to be helped if something happens. Something always happens. Its how my life has been. I don't think I could live in my house anymore if I moved back. Dean and I would just destroy each other. I wish things were easier and I was more easily motivated. I wish I looked better. I wish I was richer. I wish I had someone to love who loved me back. I'm so damn selfish. I wish I could go out and just do things. I wish I didn't have to play MMOs to keep my sanity. I just want to be normal. I can't kill myself. I promised Vince I would come back to him. Why did I make that promise? All it will bring is hurt. I don't want to be his shoulder to lean on when times are bad and then he just goes and forsakes me like he has. It just kills me. I can't believe after all he's done for me I still even live with him and help him. That's not normal. I'm not normal. I wish I still had a job. I wish for too much that I can't have. I hate this. I want to just forget everything. I just want to go back. If I knew then what I know now things would just be easier. I could be in college. I could be in love again. I just don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I want to be happy. God I wish I could be happy. I wish I could talk to other people. I wish I could. I went out to the mall recently and someone actually did give me their number and I didn't ask for it, but I threw it out on purpose. I have no idea why. I think that I didn't want to make Vince jealous the way I feel, but I doubt he would. He told me that. I don't know why I care so much. I wish I didn't. I need to find a balance in my life. I need to find something worth living for. I just have Vince. Vince means so much to me but it's like chasing something you can never catch. It's heartbreaking and I know that I will always feel that way. I wish I could put my word together enough and have the courage to talk to Vince about things but everytime I do I either make myself incredibly sad or he flips everything I say around and it makes me feel worse. I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe getting away from him is a good idea, but at the same time, I feel that if I did he wouldn't have anyone who cares for him near. I want that for him. It feels like he hasn't had that. I know how hard that is. I couldn't bear it..
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I tried to kill myself last week. I almost went and did it. Vince stopped me. I can't see him cry. It tears me apart along with everything else he does. I hate it. I love him so much, yet he brings me so much pain. And joy. He has helped me so much and makes me so happy. I can't understand it along with anything else. I wish he understood when people tell him "no". I wish he could listen. I wish I could see past all the fucking negativity in this world. I still want to die. I just have to at a more opportune time. I'm afraid of it. It has to be better than this though. I still haven't gotten any call backs for a job. I don't know what I'm going to do there. I want to run away from it. I want to forget about it. I want to forget everything. I wish I could just change everything that has happened to me. I am so jealous of him. Every time he says it, it just kills me. I wish I was as feminine looking as he is, I wish I had his face, his eyes, his skin, his figure. I wish I could get people like he can. I wish I was as outgoing. I wish I could get paid to do what he does. I'm jealous of who he sees. Everytime I think of him talking to someone I just can't fathom what would happen if he left. I'm so afraid. I don't want to live like this. I wish we got along. I doubt we ever will. I want to prove myself wrong though. I wish he didn't drink as much. I wish he didn't get as high as much. That is the person I hate. Who he becomes. He can't see it. He's told me that's who he actually is. I can't believe that. I can't believe that the person he is is only there when he isn't in controll of himself. I wish I could help him. I wish anyone could. I want to be that person, but I try. I fail. Thats all I can do. Fail. I'm sick of this all. I wish I was different. I wish I was easier to get along with. I don't want to be sad or angry. I wish I could take a joke. I wish I could see when things are jokes. I hate who I've turned out to be. The only thing good that has happened is that my dad is no longer in much danger. Im thankful for that. Thats all.
Monday, September 1, 2008
I lied to him. After everything I said. After all the time I promised him I wouldn't. I did. Over a stupid video game. I'm hitting the point where I just don't care what happens anymore. I want him to live fine, but I don't give a fuck about myself. I would take out a life insurance policy then use it to help him have a better life at this point. I just feel dead inside. There's no way I can get a job here. I don't even want a job. I just want to not exist. I haven't even filled out half these applications sitting in front of me. I don't know what I'll do. I just would like both of us to go to college and just have to worry about that. Let the job part come after. I don't know