.10.

I'm just now settling down from what happened two days ago. I've learned things I should have known before and I know things I shouldn't. I don't want 'Kacii' to change too much. I want her to have the same personallity. I still love her. Im still trying to get over the fact that I will never be with her again, but I still want to be there to protect her and hold her and kiss her. I still want to be there. I want to be in her life. I still get jealous but I want to get over that. Its her life. Its not mine. I need to find something or someone in my life just as important as she. It's going to kill me inside and it may never happen but I have to try. I can't let what happened happen again. I can't betray her. I can't betray any of them. I still want her to find me fun. She still needs to be independant though. Things should hopefully be better from now on. I hope they are.

.9.

I can't help but feel jealous towards anyone that Vince talks about. Especially when it comes to AC. I know it's so far away but I don't think I can go for the simple fact that it brings too many bad memories. I wouldn't be able to be around Vince and his friends, especially Bjorn. I have no issues with him or anything, it just feels like he's the cause of what tore Vince and I apart, even though I know it wasn't him. When I see him saying the same things to Vince that I said to Vince when we were talking on the internet it just tears me apart. He tells me of how good the sex is and how big he is and how am I supposed to feel about that? He's incredibly good looking. He's hung like a horse. He's wealthy. He'll, he's able to get a tan. I am nothing next to someone like that. I couldn't be around him. I couldn't be around Vince. Either I'd do something to make someone extremely mad, or Vince would say or do something making me incredibly depressed. I want him to be happy, and I want whoever he's with to be happy. I wish it could be me so badly, but I guess it was made clear that it will never happen. I hate feeling like this. I wish I could go and just have fun, but I wouldn't be able to. God why did everything have to turn out like this. Why couldn't I have met Vince when we were like 25. I've done so much for him. I feel like if I just leave all of that will be for nothing. I want to help him deal with what has happened to him. I want him to be able to maintain a stable relationship with anybody. Whoever he's with I know they're going to be hurt. Vince falls for people easily, and gets bored even easier. I know that first hand. My mom is talking about me moving back to MI if I can't make ends meet here. I don't know what would happen if that happens. I don't know where Vince would go or if he could even handle himself. We both still have a lot of growing up to do before we're stable enough to be on our owns. I don't know what I would do knowing that he's so far away and unable to be helped if something happens. Something always happens. Its how my life has been. I don't think I could live in my house anymore if I moved back. Dean and I would just destroy each other. I wish things were easier and I was more easily motivated. I wish I looked better. I wish I was richer. I wish I had someone to love who loved me back. I'm so damn selfish. I wish I could go out and just do things. I wish I didn't have to play MMOs to keep my sanity. I just want to be normal. I can't kill myself. I promised Vince I would come back to him. Why did I make that promise? All it will bring is hurt. I don't want to be his shoulder to lean on when times are bad and then he just goes and forsakes me like he has. It just kills me. I can't believe after all he's done for me I still even live with him and help him. That's not normal. I'm not normal. I wish I still had a job. I wish for too much that I can't have. I hate this. I want to just forget everything. I just want to go back. If I knew then what I know now things would just be easier. I could be in college. I could be in love again. I just don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I want to be happy. God I wish I could be happy. I wish I could talk to other people. I wish I could. I went out to the mall recently and someone actually did give me their number and I didn't ask for it, but I threw it out on purpose. I have no idea why. I think that I didn't want to make Vince jealous the way I feel, but I doubt he would. He told me that. I don't know why I care so much. I wish I didn't. I need to find a balance in my life. I need to find something worth living for. I just have Vince. Vince means so much to me but it's like chasing something you can never catch. It's heartbreaking and I know that I will always feel that way. I wish I could put my word together enough and have the courage to talk to Vince about things but everytime I do I either make myself incredibly sad or he flips everything I say around and it makes me feel worse. I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe getting away from him is a good idea, but at the same time, I feel that if I did he wouldn't have anyone who cares for him near. I want that for him. It feels like he hasn't had that. I know how hard that is. I couldn't bear it..

.8.

I tried to kill myself last week. I almost went and did it. Vince stopped me. I can't see him cry. It tears me apart along with everything else he does. I hate it. I love him so much, yet he brings me so much pain. And joy. He has helped me so much and makes me so happy. I can't understand it along with anything else. I wish he understood when people tell him "no". I wish he could listen. I wish I could see past all the fucking negativity in this world. I still want to die. I just have to at a more opportune time. I'm afraid of it. It has to be better than this though. I still haven't gotten any call backs for a job. I don't know what I'm going to do there. I want to run away from it. I want to forget about it. I want to forget everything. I wish I could just change everything that has happened to me. I am so jealous of him. Every time he says it, it just kills me. I wish I was as feminine looking as he is, I wish I had his face, his eyes, his skin, his figure. I wish I could get people like he can. I wish I was as outgoing. I wish I could get paid to do what he does. I'm jealous of who he sees. Everytime I think of him talking to someone I just can't fathom what would happen if he left. I'm so afraid. I don't want to live like this. I wish we got along. I doubt we ever will. I want to prove myself wrong though. I wish he didn't drink as much. I wish he didn't get as high as much. That is the person I hate. Who he becomes. He can't see it. He's told me that's who he actually is. I can't believe that. I can't believe that the person he is is only there when he isn't in controll of himself. I wish I could help him. I wish anyone could. I want to be that person, but I try. I fail. Thats all I can do. Fail. I'm sick of this all. I wish I was different. I wish I was easier to get along with. I don't want to be sad or angry. I wish I could take a joke. I wish I could see when things are jokes. I hate who I've turned out to be. The only thing good that has happened is that my dad is no longer in much danger. Im thankful for that. Thats all.

.7.

I lied to him. After everything I said. After all the time I promised him I wouldn't. I did. Over a stupid video game. I'm hitting the point where I just don't care what happens anymore. I want him to live fine, but I don't give a fuck about myself. I would take out a life insurance policy then use it to help him have a better life at this point. I just feel dead inside. There's no way I can get a job here. I don't even want a job. I just want to not exist. I haven't even filled out half these applications sitting in front of me. I don't know what I'll do. I just would like both of us to go to college and just have to worry about that. Let the job part come after. I don't know

.6.

Why am I so fucking depressed. I hate this. It just feels like we keep pushing each other away. Why are we like this. I love Vince. I hate my life. Im so fucking pathetic.

.5.

I got fired on Tuesday evening. Not entirely my fault. Boss just didn't like me. I can't help that. I feel horrible though for it. If I have no income, I can't really pay rent or my bills or anything else. My mom said she'd help me out but I really don't want to rely on her. I want to start school and do like online courses or something before I go to CCSU. I'm not even sure what I'm going to be doing. Probably network stuff because thats what Im good at, but do I really want to do that for the rest of my life? I have no idea. I really hope I can get something with my mom with a loan so I can live here. I need a job still, but whatever I can get will help. I can't help but to think that I'm falling for Vince again. Not in the same way, but in a way that he makes me feel loved and that he'll be there for me, as I would be for him. I really could care less who he sleeps with or toys with or anything. Heck, some of them are pretty cute. I just want to be there for him. He truely makes me feel like I have a life worth living. He has his faults, like I do, like everyone does, but even through everything, I can't help but to love him. He's helped bring me into this world like never before. He did not give up on me. I don't know if he'll ever return the love I have for him. I don't know if his feelings as of late are real or not. I don't care. I still love him. I know that deep down I always will. I will always be there for him. I wish it was easier for both of us to live in this world. I want him to be entertained. I want to help him accept himself for who he is, and who he wants to be. Him talking about cross dressing has me interested as well as weird as it is to admit. I would be right there alongside him, making him feel better about it and that would make me feel better as well. I really should do this thing with him and Alan. God knows we need the money. I feel like if I just let go of my feelings I could take him. I am sorta jealous of Vince and his ability to make people just want to get him things and fawn over him. Thats not me though, and I know that. I want to be pretty and cute, yes, and I wouldn't mind being spoiled a bit. I just don't know if that's me though. It's so hard to even think about all this stuff at once. Who knows. It will all turn out in the end.

.4.

Ugh. I feel mentally drained. On top of the ever droning work drama, I have personal drama to deal with. I can't think straight anymore. It's affecting me in every way. My work is slipping, my thoughts are more random and babbled. I have Vince to worry about, what with his being sick and worrying if he's being safe or if he's sad or if he's anything. I can't stop worrying about him. I don't mind him leading people on, but it's the backlash he might get that worries me. I also know that he subconsciously gets attached to people. He might actually fall for Jonny, a random guy he met at AE. I wouldn't be surprised, I mean, he did it to me. A random guy he met on the internet. The first week after we talked we were falling for each other. I don't ever want to see him get hurt again. I don't want Jonny to experience the horrible things that happened to us. I don't want that to happen to Bjorn, or anyone. I'm also afraid that when Vince moves away, he won't be able to help himself with some things. He gets so discouraged with everything sometimes. He was so sad and angry when he was sick and he didn't think he'd be able to get better because he didn't have his I.D. I hope he really does keep in touch. I'm dreading the end of this lease. I really want to get out there and goto college and not worry about a job for a while, but I don't want to leave him out there alone if he can't take care of himself. I'm also worried that I may not even be ready to take care of MYself. He helps me so much mentally. He's helped my social anxiety, my random mood swings, pretty much everything. I feel a lot more calm than I ever did. I just don't know. I also feel sad but I'm trying not to show it. I just feel so listless lately. The only time I'm not is when I'm at a party or when Vince and I are having a good time at home. I wish he wouldn't be so ashamed of having people over when I'm home. I mean, I understand that with Jonny he wouldn't want me there or with his clients. I don't know. I know he actually isn't ashamed of me. He told me himself. I gotta trust him more often. I wish I could get out there and meet some people that I could hang out with too. I miss holding someone. I miss saying sweet nothings. My bed is so cold. I must not do a good job hiding how I feel. Sarah gave me a pamphlet to call the target life help line. I don't want to commit suicide. I just feel down. I wish I wasn't stuck on this road. I feel a lot older than I actually am. I should be sleeping right now. I don't know if I'd want to wake up tomorrow. God. I guess I'm a little jealous of Vince and his ability to just say "Fuck it all Im doing this." I'd be able to meet people then. I'd be able to live a life. I can't call what I have now a life. I've felt this way before. It's somewhat different now that I'm living with Vince. God I should be so fucking angry at him for what he did. I am I think deep down. I can't bring myself to be that way though. Thats why I'm not really trying to be too dominant when we have sex. I don't want to go overboard on him. It's so hard to tell when he's actually wanting me to stop because he's actually whimpering and crying out. If I ignore that and actually hurt him in a horrible way, how would that make me feel? There's so much I want to do to him. We are so limited by what we have here. We don't even have rope. How am I supposed to keep someone bound when all I have is a tie and a belt? He can make passionate sex too, which is easier on my psyche. I don't know anymore. I've gotta get some sleep. If I dwell anymore on these things I'll just end up staying awake. I think that this is why I have my blog. I can let out whatever here and it doesn't matter.