Sunday, September 14, 2008
I tried to kill myself last week. I almost went and did it. Vince stopped me. I can't see him cry. It tears me apart along with everything else he does. I hate it. I love him so much, yet he brings me so much pain. And joy. He has helped me so much and makes me so happy. I can't understand it along with anything else. I wish he understood when people tell him "no". I wish he could listen. I wish I could see past all the fucking negativity in this world. I still want to die. I just have to at a more opportune time. I'm afraid of it. It has to be better than this though. I still haven't gotten any call backs for a job. I don't know what I'm going to do there. I want to run away from it. I want to forget about it. I want to forget everything. I wish I could just change everything that has happened to me. I am so jealous of him. Every time he says it, it just kills me. I wish I was as feminine looking as he is, I wish I had his face, his eyes, his skin, his figure. I wish I could get people like he can. I wish I was as outgoing. I wish I could get paid to do what he does. I'm jealous of who he sees. Everytime I think of him talking to someone I just can't fathom what would happen if he left. I'm so afraid. I don't want to live like this. I wish we got along. I doubt we ever will. I want to prove myself wrong though. I wish he didn't drink as much. I wish he didn't get as high as much. That is the person I hate. Who he becomes. He can't see it. He's told me that's who he actually is. I can't believe that. I can't believe that the person he is is only there when he isn't in controll of himself. I wish I could help him. I wish anyone could. I want to be that person, but I try. I fail. Thats all I can do. Fail. I'm sick of this all. I wish I was different. I wish I was easier to get along with. I don't want to be sad or angry. I wish I could take a joke. I wish I could see when things are jokes. I hate who I've turned out to be. The only thing good that has happened is that my dad is no longer in much danger. Im thankful for that. Thats all.