Thursday, August 7, 2008


Today was pretty boring. I really can't find ANYTHING to do. I was so unmotivated to do anything today. I didn't even get to work out. I'm going to try and go with Vince to Kate's tomorrow evening but even if I don't, I don't think I care right now. I feel sick still and I think Vince is just getting sick of me. Either that or he's just infatuated with this Johnny guy. He seems enamored with the ability to just get someone's number. I guess he just couldn't believe it till he tried it. Everyone (including me) knew he could do that. I don't know why he didn't sooner.

I kinda want to go out with Cathy and Jen on this coming Tuesday if I feel better. I just feel better around them, even though I could actually get raped by Cathy. I love Vince and like being his best friend. I just don't think he likes me all that much sometimes. He doesn't turn me on sometimes either. I guess it's because I feel like a dom sometimes and I feel like a sub. Tonight was sub and I still tried but it just seems like neither of us get into it. Ah well. Tomorrow I start work again. I need the money but I also feel like I just want to stop. I just want to stop it all and just like.. quit. Just go on the road. Start walking and see where I end up. I wish I had the money to do something like that. I still am feeling pretty suicidal. It's not the best feeling. My clothing is helping me get out there to the world but I'm still so introverted that I don't think I'll even go out and meet anyone new. I like to be myself but myself is shy. I haven't even seen anyone around here I find attractive. I'd love to move back to Michigan where there's a ton of people I know and I could actually meet them. I'd love to move back and see my family and friends. I want to find something worth living for. I can't find it in myself. Ugh. I hope this is the medicine talking and not me but I doubt that. I like those steam showers that Vince started doing. They are very relaxing. I can think in there and just let things out. I realized I don't really want to live to 25. I don't know. I don't want to see myself get old. I don't want to experience the pain that my elders have gone through. I want to leave earth. I know that the person I want in this world probably doesn't exist and if they do, I'll never find them. I used to live for Vince and before that for my friends. I have no friends here. I want a purpose. I want fun. I just don't know what those are yet.

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