Monday, August 11, 2008
Sitting here a bit bored on a Monday night. Nothing really happening. I decided not to goto Natasha's so that Vince could have a better time just talking with the girls. Better that I don't go anyways, I shouldn't drink as much alcohol as I do around them. I think I found a good medium at that party on Friday. I'm finding that I'm becoming more tolerant of everything. I've decided to shut the sad out of my life and just be happy or at least indifferent. I won't lie, I still keep a lot bottled up inside, but its mostly because I don't fully understand my own feelings. Thats why I have this blog thing. I miss having someone to hold and cuddle with. I think what I really want in a relationship is just knowing that there will be someone there that I can goto and make feel better or just lay there and talk with, to say "I love you" once and a while. I don't know if I could do a non-open relationship. Sex really is meaningless. It's fun, but it's not love. It's sex. Sex with the same people all the time would get boring, especially for the rest of your life. I'd like to have a threesome or more someday. I don't know how many people out there share my views though. I feel like I've changed a lot as a person. Not just my clothes but my outlook on life and my general attitude. I think the make up and clothes help me trick myself into thinking I'm hiding behind something so I act out more. I'm trying to stick to my diet and I'm trying to help Vince stick to his too. I'm going to be more strict on both of us. I know this is important to him, and me as well. I want to look like how I want to look. It may be too radical of a look out here, but I don't care. I probably wont find anyone out here anyways. I just want to live, have fun, and hang out. I want to make friends. I want to spend time with the few friends I have. Hanging out with Vince lately has been some of the most fun and happy times I've had, like ever. I don't want to push him away though. I want him to still be independent. He is the best friend I've ever had. I don't want him to be scared of love either though. I'm trying not to be emotional around him. I'm flirty, but so is he. I like the fact that he is actually experiencing a lot of what he has lately. I know one day he'll find happiness. I want to help him find that. I owe him so much. I owe him my life. I'm trying to be a lot less selfish than I was before. He is the only thing that brightens up my otherwise dull day. I need to find other things for that though. I'll always be there for him, I promised that, but he may not always be there for me. I know we fight, but I'm trying to stop that. I'm gonna stop typing now. Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day. I know this weekend will be fun.