Saturday, August 30, 2008
I got fired on Tuesday evening. Not entirely my fault. Boss just didn't like me. I can't help that. I feel horrible though for it. If I have no income, I can't really pay rent or my bills or anything else. My mom said she'd help me out but I really don't want to rely on her. I want to start school and do like online courses or something before I go to CCSU. I'm not even sure what I'm going to be doing. Probably network stuff because thats what Im good at, but do I really want to do that for the rest of my life? I have no idea. I really hope I can get something with my mom with a loan so I can live here. I need a job still, but whatever I can get will help. I can't help but to think that I'm falling for Vince again. Not in the same way, but in a way that he makes me feel loved and that he'll be there for me, as I would be for him. I really could care less who he sleeps with or toys with or anything. Heck, some of them are pretty cute. I just want to be there for him. He truely makes me feel like I have a life worth living. He has his faults, like I do, like everyone does, but even through everything, I can't help but to love him. He's helped bring me into this world like never before. He did not give up on me. I don't know if he'll ever return the love I have for him. I don't know if his feelings as of late are real or not. I don't care. I still love him. I know that deep down I always will. I will always be there for him. I wish it was easier for both of us to live in this world. I want him to be entertained. I want to help him accept himself for who he is, and who he wants to be. Him talking about cross dressing has me interested as well as weird as it is to admit. I would be right there alongside him, making him feel better about it and that would make me feel better as well. I really should do this thing with him and Alan. God knows we need the money. I feel like if I just let go of my feelings I could take him. I am sorta jealous of Vince and his ability to make people just want to get him things and fawn over him. Thats not me though, and I know that. I want to be pretty and cute, yes, and I wouldn't mind being spoiled a bit. I just don't know if that's me though. It's so hard to even think about all this stuff at once. Who knows. It will all turn out in the end.