Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Ugh. I feel mentally drained. On top of the ever droning work drama, I have personal drama to deal with. I can't think straight anymore. It's affecting me in every way. My work is slipping, my thoughts are more random and babbled. I have Vince to worry about, what with his being sick and worrying if he's being safe or if he's sad or if he's anything. I can't stop worrying about him. I don't mind him leading people on, but it's the backlash he might get that worries me. I also know that he subconsciously gets attached to people. He might actually fall for Jonny, a random guy he met at AE. I wouldn't be surprised, I mean, he did it to me. A random guy he met on the internet. The first week after we talked we were falling for each other. I don't ever want to see him get hurt again. I don't want Jonny to experience the horrible things that happened to us. I don't want that to happen to Bjorn, or anyone. I'm also afraid that when Vince moves away, he won't be able to help himself with some things. He gets so discouraged with everything sometimes. He was so sad and angry when he was sick and he didn't think he'd be able to get better because he didn't have his I.D. I hope he really does keep in touch. I'm dreading the end of this lease. I really want to get out there and goto college and not worry about a job for a while, but I don't want to leave him out there alone if he can't take care of himself. I'm also worried that I may not even be ready to take care of MYself. He helps me so much mentally. He's helped my social anxiety, my random mood swings, pretty much everything. I feel a lot more calm than I ever did. I just don't know. I also feel sad but I'm trying not to show it. I just feel so listless lately. The only time I'm not is when I'm at a party or when Vince and I are having a good time at home. I wish he wouldn't be so ashamed of having people over when I'm home. I mean, I understand that with Jonny he wouldn't want me there or with his clients. I don't know. I know he actually isn't ashamed of me. He told me himself. I gotta trust him more often. I wish I could get out there and meet some people that I could hang out with too. I miss holding someone. I miss saying sweet nothings. My bed is so cold. I must not do a good job hiding how I feel. Sarah gave me a pamphlet to call the target life help line. I don't want to commit suicide. I just feel down. I wish I wasn't stuck on this road. I feel a lot older than I actually am. I should be sleeping right now. I don't know if I'd want to wake up tomorrow. God. I guess I'm a little jealous of Vince and his ability to just say "Fuck it all Im doing this." I'd be able to meet people then. I'd be able to live a life. I can't call what I have now a life. I've felt this way before. It's somewhat different now that I'm living with Vince. God I should be so fucking angry at him for what he did. I am I think deep down. I can't bring myself to be that way though. Thats why I'm not really trying to be too dominant when we have sex. I don't want to go overboard on him. It's so hard to tell when he's actually wanting me to stop because he's actually whimpering and crying out. If I ignore that and actually hurt him in a horrible way, how would that make me feel? There's so much I want to do to him. We are so limited by what we have here. We don't even have rope. How am I supposed to keep someone bound when all I have is a tie and a belt? He can make passionate sex too, which is easier on my psyche. I don't know anymore. I've gotta get some sleep. If I dwell anymore on these things I'll just end up staying awake. I think that this is why I have my blog. I can let out whatever here and it doesn't matter.